Being a parent is hard. Being a parent of a newborn is really hard. But for centuries people have continued to have kids (granted some of them not on purpose, and some of them for the purpose of having enough farm hands – but many are lovingly and intentionally brought into this world) and now I understand why.
Early this morning Mia woke up screaming. At first I wanted to cry right back at her. I was so tired. Why was she crying AGAIN? But then I picked her up and she nuzzled her head deep into my neck and curled into the fetal position. I brought her into the nursery and sat in the rocking chair in the hazy, early morning light. As I rocked her back and forth, her little body slowly relaxed until she fell asleep on my shoulder – and I’m sure I have never felt so much love. So much love that my heart actually ached from being overfull.
I wish I could take that moment and wrap it up in a box where I could keep it forever. I wish I could give that moment to the people I know who are hurting. I wish I were a good enough writer to put into words what it feels like to look into the eyes of a tiny human that you created – that you carried inside your body for 9 long months – and realize that they are their own person now, and as much as you love them, now it’s time to let them grow.
I suddenly feel desperate to hold her all the time. When I put her down for naps, sometimes I sit by her swing and hold her hand, because it feels too unnatural for us to ever be apart.
Don’t get me wrong – there are still nighttime feedings that I wish I could skip. There are still afternoon meltdowns that make me want to pull out my hair. But as soon as her little fist grabs on to my finger, as soon her eyes flutter closed on my chest – my heart melts.
She’s my daughter. I’m her mother. And we are complete.
I stop sometimes and wonder how I even got here. How I met my best friend and married him. How we found the world’s cutest dog and adopted her. How we found jobs that we enjoy, a house we could afford – and how we managed to create an incredibly beautiful, wonderful, perfect baby. Life is not fair, it is not easy, it is not predictable. But today – it feels absolutely wonderful.
I am unquestionably, undeniably, unbelievably blessed.
In other news…baby Dylan (Mia’s not-so-little cousin) was born this morning at 1:53am. Seeing Jenni in the hospital made me think back to Mia’s birth day – the happiest moment of my entire life – and I felt so excited for Jenni that she is getting to experience all of those same things. We are lucky, lucky girls.